Monday, October 31, 2022

Victober Musings: Wrapping Up October


This is a snapshot of my entire month
Coffee, pizza, candles (and books)

I love a good readathon, but I loathe following prescribed lists. With that said, my Victorian October reads were all over the place-  like my hair on windy day's run.

This month, I recreated a Goodreads account. I know I know. I've gone on and on about how I didn't like the interface and I don't really like other people commenting on Goodreads about my reads (weird I know), but storygraph kept crashing on my phone. THEN, I moved back to paper journaling for my books and it was really inconvenient. I was out at the hospital and could not remember what other books I said I would read next, and so I created a private Goodreads account- and the new interface if better. Trash, but better.

October was filled with sleepless nights, loads of anxiety, and massive change. In other words, enter the escapist fiction.

I spent a lot of cool nights with Elizabeth Gaskell's Mary Barton. I was so overwhelmed with sorrow as I read that novel. That is one sad book. I adore Gaskell's writing and the worlds that she creates, but I decided to put a hold on Ruth by her and save it for lighter times.

Mary Barton definitely had some Tess of the d'Urbervilles vibes, but I fear Ruth may actually have MORE.

Classics from this month

Classics I finished this month:

  1. Volume IV: Sodom and Gomorrah by Marcel Proust - he really starts this one off with a bang
  2. Mary Barton by Elizabeth Gaskell - loved this book. Broke my heart. 
  3. Victorian Ghost Stories by Mary Elizabeth Braddon and Elizabeth Gaskell -creepy
  4. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen -thousandth reread. LOVE it.
  5. Volume V: The Captive by Marcel Proust - 2 volumes left

Cozy Mysteries I finished this month:

  1. A Freshly Baked Cozy Mystery Series (enjoyed every one)
    1. Apple Pie a la Murder
    2. Trick or Treat and Murder
    3. Thankfully Dead
  2. Pumpkin Hollow Cozy Mystery Series (enjoyed these a little less, but still enjoyed)
    1. Candy Coated Murder
    2. Murderously Sweet 

I also read

  1. Obsession by Clarice Lispector (a short story) - loved
  2. Verity by Colleen Hoover (with the additional chapter) - hated

This month I downloaded all manner of books


I picked some classics by Anthony Trollope, Elizabeth Gaskell, Dinah Mulock Craik, Kahlil Gibran, Cute Christmas Stories, Novels by Simone St. James, a few steamy Harlequin category romances, etc.

This has been a month of deeply remembering how vital my reading is to my well-being. My life is so stressful, and I need a balance now of intense classic literature + literary fiction, interspersed with romance novels and a few cozy mysteries.

I have to work on not burning out on cozy mystery series, and am just taking my reading as it comes. Now that I'm back on my private Goodreads, I am able to better track (or should I say more easily track) my reads, so my wrapping up November should be a bit easier.

As I craft my November TBR, I am filling the slots around my Reading Template. I'll post my TBR tomorrow. 

Happy reading and slow living.

Do I Even Like Marcel Anymore: The Captive Volume V: In Search of Lost Time- Proust

We've established that no one reads my blog here- and that's more than okay, but I'll write into the void because my soul compels me to.

I'd like to think I combine the great works of literature, with the desire for light reading entertainment. 

Hence the coupling of Marcel Proust with cozy mysteries and romances to cleanse they palette.

I'm working my way through Marcel Prousts' In Search of Lost Time. I'm reading the Moncrieff, Kilmartin, Enright translation on ebook with audio as a "word for word" combo. As close to word for word as you can get. Neville Jason is not reading my translation. This allows me to stop often and reread a passage. 

I digress... This damn book... So, in this volume I found myself aggressively upset at our narrator. Let's call things what they are.. I was mad at Marcel. Frustrated. Annoyed. If this was Proust's mission- accomplished my boy.

This cover in no way matches the others in this kindle edition.
This makes me violently upset.

I am so happy to be making my way through this novel. 

I will NOT lie. I have no reason to. This novel IS beautiful. It IS reflective. It DOES change you.

However, it IS long. It IS tedious. It DOES induce claustrophobia at some points. 

I've found one of two camps with Proust. Either he's a genius and if you don't love every 400 word sentence, you don't get it. Or, he's boring and his rich boy problems go on for thousands of pages because he's a narcissist. 

I don't fall into either camp, but I'll reserve all final thoughts for when I close the kindle after completing volume VII: Time Regained.

I've laughed when others have said that Proust wrote this long novel so that the reader would look back "in search of lost time"-- get it? Like they lost all their time reading it (maybe you had to be there), but my emotions have been on a roller coaster.

I can say definitively after 5 volumes, this is kind of a work of genius. Also, a work of frustration. Also, it's too damn long. Also, it feels like every frigging thought in his head (and it might have been).

Okay give me a second. This post is starting to sound like the rampant ramblings of a crazy woman. I don't mean for this to be the case, but when you emerge from Proust's family apartment in Paris, it takes time to get your bearings.

I probably should let this volume digest before trying to articulate any sort of feeling about it, but I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE. I need Proust reading friends. (Goals for 2023).

I digress again.. can I even get back on track at this point? Okay, let's try...

In this volume: The Captive- it is exactly what you think. Someone is being held captive. It's dear Albertine.

What strikes me the most about this volume is the thought of exactly how voluntary is this captivity? After Marcel asks for her hand in marriage (a totally bullshit attempt at keeping her IMHO), we see him "asking" her to move in with him. 

Let me just make bullet points at this point, because I can feel myself beginning to become enraged. This volume deals with:

  • Jealousy- and lots of it
  • Mansplaining- and lots of it
  • Deception
  • Dysfunctional ideas of love
  • Manipulation- an lots of it
  • Lies
  • The concept of lying
  • Exactly WHAT do we owe our potential partners when we first meet them of our stories
  • Duplicity
  • And so so much more
Have no fear, I'll end off this post with some quotes (because you have to see some of this to believe it), but Marcel basically convincing Albertine that he loves her and cares for her, but we are readers are inside of his fucked up, selfish brain and he always just seeking to manipulate her based on however he is feeling IN that moment.

His incessant need to believe that she is utterly devoted to him is egregious and honestly made me want to throw the book across the room. He is so unbelievably (but honestly it is very believable) thinking that she is in love with every single girl in her life. He imagines that she has this highly sexual sapphic past (and present) that she keeps hidden from him, and he uses these insane thoughts to justify his ill treatment of her. Barf. 1000 times barf. This friggin guy is a mess.

I can't wait to see what the last two volumes hold. Honestly, I am waiting with breath that is baited. I will give myself another 24 hours before picking up The Fugitive (yep you can infer from the title what comes next) and then go straight into Time Regained. 

I will make a long-winded Proust post when I am completely done with this book. I have so many things to say. 

Happy reading. 

Now that Albertine no longer appeared to be angry with me, the possession of her no longer seemed to me a treasure in exchange for which one is prepared to sacrifice every other.
Now that life with Albertine had become possible once again, I felt that I could derive nothing from it but misery, since she did not love me; better to part from her in the gentle solace of her acquiescence, which I would prolong in memory.
Not only did she take care never to be alone for a moment, so that I could not help but know what she had been doing if I did not believe her own statements, but even when she had to telephone to Andrée, or to the garage, or to the livery stable or elsewhere, she pretended that it was too boring to stand about by herself waiting to telephone, 
“Why do I go on seeking after a mysterious soul, interpreting a face, and feeling myself surrounded by presentiments which I dare not explore?” I asked myself. “I’ve been dreaming, the matter is quite simple. I am an indecisive young man, and it is a case of one of those marriages as to which it takes time to find out whether they will happen or not. There is nothing in this peculiar to Albertine.”

Proust, Marcel. In Search of Lost Time, Volume 5: The Captive

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Death, Devastation, Poverty + Industry: Inside Mary Barton by Elizabeth Gaskell

What a novel. 

I adore Gaskell's writing. There is something comforting and honest about it.

I loved Wives and Daughters, and I was glued to North and South the first time I read it (it's on my reread list).

Mary Barton has been on my intended to read list for a few years (along with Ruth), and something this Autumn just told me to pick it up and I am so glad that I did.

As a proponent of deep, slow reading, I found myself pulled instantly into the novel. I felt myself standing shoulder to shoulder with the workers ho wanted to fight for a fair living wage.


I cried with the mothers who lost children because they couldn't afford to feed them, and it made me feel (like most classics do) that the issues THEN are still the same issues NOW. 

Universal themes present:

  • work
  • death and grief
  • love
  • duty
  • responsibility
  • family
  • community
Running through a lot of the classics is a theme of the "ruined" or "potentially ruined" woman. It's infuriating. 

Seeing the intentions of some men to use and abuse these poor girls is sickening. The same still remains true today yet the stakes are often much lower in present society for the girl's ability to care for herself and her baby.

The dialect in the novel can be heavy at times, but once you enter into the world, it becomes easier. 

I love Elizabeth Gaskell and I am determined to read Ruth, but I need to lighten up some of my reading, so I will focus on finishing Proust and lots of cozy holiday reads ❤️

Friday, October 28, 2022

If a Tree Falls in the Forest: Reader Edition


My blog goes largely unread. But, it doesn't matter.

My bookish friends don't read the same books as I do. But, it doesn't matter.

As I was talking to a bookish friend this weekend, we debated the question: If no one knew what you read, would you read as much?

I have had a BookTube channel. It was well viewed and commented on. I had a Bookstagram. It was well commented on. This is my third site (and last one) to discuss what I read.

Why? Why would I put myself through this? 

I do it because even if I can get one person to read some classics, to read more slowly, to drink organic coffee and to slow down in general, it will have been worth it.

If one person can pick up romance or cozy mysteries, and read for entertainment, it would have been worth it.

It's a digital journal of my reads and experiences with books.

I write about books because it helps me to understand my experience of reading them. 

It doesn't have to be perfect. I doesn't have to be widely read. I have no dreams of going viral. 

I appreciate a simple, easy, slow, steady life. Join me in the anti-hustle revolution. 

Holiday Romance Picks for the Christmas Season 2022

I'm not sure I'l get to every one of these, but my stress is high these days and that means reading constantly to escape my stress.

I'm not an audiobook listener mainly, so about 95% of these titles will be read physically on my kindle. 

I basically went onto Amazon and searched for "cozy Christmas reads", read the synopsis and got all of these on the spot. Just seeing their pretty covers in my kindle library is enough to warm my stressed out heart. ♥️ 

If the covers seem interesting, jot them down and check them out. 

Here are all of the books I've downloaded to read this Christmas












I'm not sure what order I'll read them in, but it doesn't matter! I may do a google number generator. I enjoy doing that. I used to do spinners, but filling them out is always a bit exhausting (read: lazy) :)

The holiday season is always taxing. With short daylight days, freezing biting winds, and now cancer caregiving... mentally I am taxed.

I can't wait to lighten the load with these reads alongside my beloved classics. 

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Lightening My Reading Load

I love reading and learning from the great works of literature. Anna Karenina. All of Austen. James Baldwin. Dostoyevsky.

But, this week something changed. Shifted. 

My anxiety and the stress of caring for my loved one through cancer has taken a toll in a major way and one night I decided around 10 pm after finishing Mary Barton by Elizabeth Gaskell (so sad and depressing), to download a lot of holiday romance and cozy mysteries.

I struggle sometimes with "lighter" reads. And I don't say "light" to mean anything other than the heavy mental brain energy needed to sink into the classics.

It is important of reading what you feel called to read.

In our age of constant streaming, we can be influenced by what others are reading. The book community has a bad reputation of buying books, and watching others read books, and not actually reading the books. I am not saying that to say be careful of over watching book hauls and adding to a never ending TBR. 

Nothing makes you better or worse for having read it. When I spend 6 months at a time reading 100% literary fiction and classics, I can sometimes feel a bit of intense weight that I carry around.

Now with my loved one battling advanced cancer, my days are long (haven't slept at all this year), I have made my way to October only haven read deeply intense reads.

I don't (and neither should you) explain away what you choose to read.

It's your reading life. It's your time. It's your energy.

If I have one dollar for every public bookish person who says, "Well, I'm just going to read this trashy book quickly and then back to my real books".

I think cozy mysteries are valid reads. I know that romance novels are valid reads. Sometimes people will try to tell me, "Don't worry, you can read a few throwaway novels, and then get back to Proust".

I kindly let them know that no matter what, there is nothing to get back to. The great works will never leave my constant perusal. I enjoy getting into bed at night with a light book ready to be opened on my kindle. 

It's not that I don't love constantly thinking about what Mary Barton's going to do when it comes to Jem Wilson in Elizabeth Gaskell's novel, I love just going back into a good atmospheric romance or the small town of the cozy mystery world. 

I'm not laying brick after brick on myself. My life is hard right now. I will lean into the Kindle Unlimited subscription and indulge in some extra creamer in my coffee alongside comforting cozy mysteries and holiday romance novels.

I would never part ways with my beloved classic literature, Clarice Lispector's works, or entering into the worlds that Anita Brookner makes, but I will allow myself to get lost in the escapism that lighter reads provide to me. 

Monday, October 17, 2022

Proust Reading Update: Sodom and Gomorrah Volume IV

 


I closed the cover of my kindle after Volume IV ended and said, "Well, damn that was long".  Proust knows how to end a volume that's for sure.

Halfway through, I did have a moment of questioning myself. I thought, "I could read so many other enjoyable novels while I'm slogging through this monstrous thing". But, then I thought about it. Long and hard. I realized that reading Proust is almost like radical statement.

In today's world of quick tik tok videos, and Goodreads goals, it can feel like a rebellion to dedicate THIS much time to one novel (albeit it 7 volumes).

I can't deny that Proust makes me examine my life. I'm having a very hard year, and reading ISOLT this year has been a front seat viewing invitation to reflect on my life. My place in things.

Sure, there are so many paragraphs and pages about dinner parties, meeting with old and new friends, so many misunderstandings, and in this novel in particular the gay sex and our narrator's (total pain in the ass this guy) intense jealousy and his constant thinking Albertine is secretly in a sapphic relationship that infuriates me about him.

Nevertheless, I'm 4 volumes in, so I have to finish this damn novel no matter what.

I debated "taking a break" between the volumes, but for some reason, that doesn't seem like the right move for me. 

Initially, I didn't have a plan for finishing ISOLT within one year, but as I am entering into my 10th month of reading it, I only have 3 volumes left, a bit of time to complete them at the bedside of my loved one who is battling cancer; my life is all over the place and my anxiety is at an all time high.

Living within Proust's world, can be tightening and slightly claustrophobic, but it is also insulating and can be deeply padded from the outside world. This has created a cocoon that I have lived within. 

Although Mme. Verdurin is someone I loathed and oftentimes made me quite upset with her belief that "There are certain desires, sometimes confined to the mouth, which, as soon as we have allowed them to grow, insist upon being gratified, whatever the consequences may be;"... She was all around ridiculous honestly.

As I move onto Volume V The Captive, I'm making sure to take a few days pause, to breathe deeply and then start the next volume alongside the other classics I'm reading. 

Happy slow reading. 

Thursday, October 13, 2022

Autumn Week's Reading Plans: Classics

Oh the leaves are falling. The maple trees are turning red and it is an all around gorgeous time of year to sink deeply into gothic literature, Victorian reads and hot cups of coffee.


I am working my way through Volume IV of In Search of Lost Time and Mary Barton by Elizabeth Gaskell. There is just something so comforting about the way that Elizabeth Gaskell writes.




I'm feeling the pull to reread Tess of D'Urbervilles, so I am excited to work my way through Mary Barton so that I can pick up Tess soon


This week I will be watching the 2020 Dracula adaptation that I found on Netflix. After reading Dracula for the first time this year (and being sufficiently creeped out), I am excited to watch an adaptation.


Later today however on this rainy cool day, I am going to watch the Jane Eyre adaptation that I enjoy.


This is such a stressful time in my life. I feel so "out of the loop" of what every one is going through, but I always have my books. I always have the characters that I love and adore. Characters that have helped to shape me.

I'm looking forward to this cool, dark, slow season filled with reads and comforting rereads.

Happy deep reading my slow living friends. 


Tuesday, October 11, 2022

Shirley by Charlotte Brontë: A Review

When Charlotte Brontë said this novel was "as unromantic as a Monday morning", I disagree.

source: wikipedia

Maybe when compared to Jane Eyre (one of my favorite novels of all time) it is seemingly unromantic, but this is a story about love... real love.

The first 1/3 of the book I was a bit confused. It felt like a history lesson mixed with some narrative. It dragged a bit, but I was into it.

After we meet Shirley Keeldar and she and Caroline Hellstone form a friendship, the story just takes off from there.

source: kobo cover

Here are the universal themes present in the novel:

  • love
  • loss
  • friendship
  • family
  • responsiblity
  • duty
  • progress vs stagnation
  • class issues
  • regret
  • despair
  • jealousy
  • independence
  • feminism

Rarely do I hear the Brontës touted as feminist, but the more I read and reread their works, the more the theme of truly independent women swims throughout.

Shirley Keeldar not only has the name of a man, she has the mannerisms of a man as well. This is extremely forward thinking for a novel written in 1849. I was so entranced by Shirley's thread of hard work, honesty and strength, I honestly found myself genuinely admiring her.

I know that the Brontë's other works are more prominently known, but I implore you to read Shirley if you are looking for a quiet Victorian novel that will weaves industry, intrigue, love, family, and passion together. It will frustrate you. It will inspire you. 

Happy deep reading my slow living friends.  


Sunday, October 9, 2022

An Apprenticeship or The Book of Pleasure by Clarice Lispector: A Review


What can I say? I'm a devoted worshipper of Clarice Lispector.

If you think that's a bit much... she definitely won't be the author for you. 

This novel was absolutely mesmerizing. She has a way with words that is unparalleled. I honestly feel like you either get her or you don't. 

Her writing DEMANDS to be reread while reading. The amount of sentences that I go back and read over and over until they settle right down into my spirit.

I realize that I need to start her novels when I have a long day or an uninterrupted night so that I can consume it from beginning to end in ONE sitting. 

Reading her works feel like a metaphysical experience and much like deep reading Proust, I am almost annoyed by the realization that I am still in the world existing and things actually make me leave the deep space and energy that is created when one reads her work.

whatever she was, was only a small part of herself. Her immeasurable soul. For she was the World and yet she was living so little. This was one of the sources of her humility and forced acceptance and also kept her weak in the face of any possibility of action.

In this novel, I found myself along this exploration of what it means to be a whole person, while thinking of how to combine your "self" with someone else.

Is this important to do? Is it necessary? Is a person capable of doing this? What does it mean to be "I"; therefore how can you entertain the thought of combining yourself or your life with someone else's?

The theme of love was pervasive throughout this novel, but it was about so so so much more than that. This quest we go on with Lorí into herself... this exploration of space and sea, and night, and rain, and loss, and love, and depression- only amalgamate into this gumbo pot of intense emotion that finalizes in a way that left me without breath.

I adore Clarice Lispector. I am a lifelong devoted fan and I will read and reread everything that she's written for the rest of my living days. Like an apprentice, I am always seeking to know more.

I suggest (if you haven't already), you pick up her entire ouvre and devour her page by page.

Happy deep reading my slow living friends. 

Saturday, October 8, 2022

Weekend Reading Plans For Relaxation

I don't read for page or number count (though nothing is wrong with that), but that means when the weekends come, I love to just gather ALL of my current reads AND some potential "next reads" and pile them together.

Nothing is more pleasurable, than a cup of hot coffee, and a stack of books. In my case, a stack of kindles... and just going from book to book until I land on something I am called to dive into.

I'm currently 90% of the way done with Shirley by Charlotte Brontë. Though this novel was slow to start, I am in LOVE with Shirley Keelder and Caroline Hellstone.

What a fantastic story of being a strong woman.. .standing up for what you believe in, and how life and love can affect us physically if we let it.

This weekend I will be focusing on making progress in:

  1. Shirley by Charlotte Brontë
  2. Sodom and Gomorrah by Marcel Proust
  3. Victorian Ghost Stories
  4. An Apprenticeship by Clarice Lispector
It's a great time as the Autumn season takes hold to slow down and refocus my reading and life goals.
current saturday morning read

I am big on reflection, and I have so many books that I want to dive into, it can seem counterproductive to read a few chapters from lots of novels, and seemingly not making progress in any.

I love this approach to reading. That slow, deep, transformative process that puts me in front of the great works. 

I'm excited for later this Saturday night when I will be doing just that. But for now, I will read a few pages in Lispector, make another coffee, and officially start my day.

I hope that you are reading something that stirs your soul this weekend.

Happy deep reading my slow living friends. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Rereading Northanger Abbey Every October

I never tire of rereading Jane Austen's works.

I do have particularly opinions on the power of rereading, but this is a comforting read for me each October.

I know that some readers don't enjoy Northanger Abbey, but I adore it for what it is. Catherine Morland is definitely a heroine in my mind, and taking that journey with her to Northanger Abbey fills me with cozy and comforting feelings.

source: audible book cover

I take my time with the reread and this year am doing it on audio. I am NOT an audiobook listener, but for listening and doing a text combo, or listening to audiobooks of very familiar works. 

Jane Austen is my favorite novelist of whose works I love to listen.

I also reread Pride and Prejudice every year (sometimes more than once- hello 2021 when I reread it 3 times that year), and listening to it and reading it is such a powerful and amazing experience. 

I adore Jane Austen and urge you to check out an audiobook of Northanger Abbey from your local library if possible. Otherwise, there are lots of free audiobooks on YouTube. (I pay for Premium so I never have commercials).

Happy rereading my slow living friends. 

Monday, October 3, 2022

I Struggle With Audiobooks, but ADORE Audio Dramas

It's a shame that my old blog's content couldn't transfer over. I will see if I can migrate one of my most popular posts and it was on my issues consuming audiobooks.

I'm a visual learning. Audiobooks just fade into the background. I can ONLY consume the story fully when I do an audiobook + text duo - meaning listen WHILE I read along word-for-word. 

Anything else, and the story... the sentiment is lost on me. This is a bit unpopular because so many people just plow through their TBR piles with the aid of audiobooks, but I'm a dense, slow, deep reader and any time the thought of "plowing through" a novel has entered my mind, I know it's time for a forever DNF or a putting aside for another time in my life.

Literature is meant to bring me close to the sublime. The awe. The deep lived universal experiences of all of humanity. Tall order? Certainly, but nonetheless it's my most basic requirement. THEN and only then can I be "entertained" by the works.

This leads me to today's point. Audio dramas are fascinating ways to be connected to works in an auditory way without actually listening to the full story via audiobook.

  • I only listen to audio dramas of works that I am very familiar with. The audio dramas are NOT abridged audiobooks. I feel you will lose the essence of the true story if this is your only introduction to the work.
  • With that in mind, it's better to listen to the audio drama and become familiar with the work (even if it's your first time), rather than to never know the story if you've shied away from the full text.
  • I love listening to them on 1.0 speed. The extra audio sounds in the back (wind blowing, doors slamming) are lost when you speed them up.
  • I do enjoy just sitting with a coffee and listening to the story- especially by candlelight. While it can seem ancient Victorian-esque to do so, the experience is so delightful.

I've only just discovered these audio dramas and purchased a few from audible. I can't seem to find them anywhere else!

Currently, I'm listening to the BBC Radio Drama: The Brontë Collection
source: audible cover

This has been a phenomenal experience and I now have added a few other collections to my personal wishlist.

I LOVE Jane Eyre. It is one of my top 3 favorite novels of ALL time and the dramatization of it was excellent! I was truly blown away. 

I don't subscribe to audile, so I just buy them outright, but even then it's worth it to me. I will re-listen to this collection endlessly. 

I hope that if (like me) you avoid audiobooks (for any reason), you may now feel compelled to seek out a dramatization of your favorite works to accompany you on drives and while doing chores. It's changed my life. 

Happy reading my slow living friends. 


Sunday, October 2, 2022

Victorian Ghost Stories: The Cold Embrace by Mary Elizabeth Braddon

I purchased The Wimbourne Book of Vicotiran Ghost Stories: Volume I and flipped (digitally) straight to Mary Elizabeth Braddon's story, "The Cold Embrace". I'm not sure what compelled me to do so other than the fact that I want to read Aurora Floyd soon.

Oh wow. I was blown away and sufficiently creeped out. Truly. 

It's out of copyright, so let me share the story for you here...

The Cold Embrace 

by Mary Elizabeth Braddon


He was an artist - such things as happened to him happen sometimes to artists.

He was a German - such things as happened to him happen sometimes to Germans.

He was young, handsome, studious, enthusiastic, metaphysical, reckless, unbelieving, heartless.

And being young, handsome and eloquent, he was beloved.

He was an orphan, under the guardianship of his dead father's brother, his uncle Wilhelm, in whose house he had been brought up from a little chid; and she who loved him was his cousin - his cousin Gertrude, whom he swore he loved in return.

Did he love her? Yes, when he first swore it. It soon wore out, this passionate love; how threadbare and wretched a sentiment it became at last in the selfish heart of the student! But in its golden dawn, when the was only nineteen, and had just returned from his apprenticeship to a great painter at Antwerp, and they wandered together in the most romantic outskirts of the city at rosy sunset, by holy moonlight, or bright and joyous morning, how beautiful a dream! 

So they are betrothed; and standing side by side when the dying sun and the pale rising moon divide the heavens, he puts the betrothal ring upon her finger, the white and taper finger whose slender shape he knows so well. This ring is a peculiar one, a massive golden serpent, its tail in its mouth, the symbol of eternity; it had been his mother's, and he would know it amongst a thousand. If he were to become blind tomorrow, he could select it from amongst a thousand by the touch alone.

He places it on her finger, and they swear to be true to each other for ever and ever--through trouble and danger--sorrow and change--in wealth or poverty. Her father must needs be won to consent to their union by and by, for they were now betrothed, and death alone could part them.

But the young student, the scoffer at revelation, yet the enthusiastic adorer of the mystical, asks:
"Can death part us? I would return to you from the grave, Gertrude. My soul would come back to be near my love. And you--you, if you died before me--the cold earth would not hold you from me; if you loved me, you would return, and again these fair arms would be clasped round my neck as they are now."
But she told him, with a holier light in her deep-blue eyes than had ever shone in his--she told him that the dead who die at peace with God are happy in heaven, and cannot return to the troubled earth; and that it is only the suicide--the lost wretch on whom sorrowful angels shut the door of Paradise--whose unholy spirit haunts the footsteps of the living.

The first year of their betrothal is passed, and she is alone, for he has gone to Italy, on a commission for some rich man, to copy Raphaels, Titians, Guidos, in a gallery at Florence. He has gone to win fame, perhaps; but it is not the less bitter--he is gone!

Of course her father misses his young nephew, who has been as a son to him; and he thinks his daughter's sadness no more than a cousin should feel for a cousin's absence.
In the meantime, the weeks and months pass. The lover writes--often at first, then seldom--at last, not at all.

How many excuses she invents for him! How many times she goes to the distant little post-office, to which he is to address his letters! How many times she hopes, only to be disappointed! How many times she despairs, only to hope again!

But real despair comes at last, and will not be put off any more. The rich suitor appears on the scene, and her father is determined. She is to marry at once. The wedding-day is fixed--the fifteenth of June.
The date seems to burn into her brain.

The date, written in fire, dances for ever before her eyes.

The date, shrieked by the Furies, sounds continually in her ears.

But there is time yet--it is the middle of May--there is time for a letter to reach him at Florence; there is time for him to come to Brunswick, to take her away and marry her, in spite of her father--in spite of the whole world.

But the days and the weeks fly by, and he does not write--he does not come. This is indeed despair which usurps her heart, and will not be put away.

It is the fourteenth of June. For the last time she goes to the little post-office; for the last time she asked the old question, and they give her for the last time the dreary answer, "No; no letter."

For the last time--for tomorrow is the day appointed for the bridal. Her father will hear no entreaties; her rich suitor will not listen to her prayers. They will not be put off a day--an hour; to-night alone is hers--this night, which she may employ as she will.

She takes another path than that which leads home; she hurries through some by-streets of the city, out on to a lonely bridge, where he and she had stood so often in the sunset, watching the rose-coloured light glow, fade, and die upon the river.

* * * * * *

He returns from Florence. He had received her letter. That letter, blotted with tears, entreating, despairing--he had received it, but he loved her no longer. A young Florentine, who has sat to him for a model, had bewitched his fancy--that fancy which with him stood in place of a heart--and Gertrude had been half-forgotten. If she had a rich suitor, good; let her marry him; better for her, better far for himself. He had no wish to fetter himself with a wife. Had he not his art always?--his eternal bride, his unchanging mistress.
Thus he thought it wiser to delay his journey to Brunswick, so that he should arrive when the wedding was over--arrive in time to salute the bride.

And the vows--the mystical fancies--the belief in his return, even after death, to the embrace of his beloved? O, gone out of his life; melted away for ever, those foolish dreams of his boyhood.

So on the fifteenth of June he enters Brunswick, by that very bridge on which she stood, the stars looking down on her, the night before. He strolls across the bridge and down by the water's edge, a great rough dog at his heels, and the smoke from his short meerschaum-pipe curling in blue wreaths fantastically in the pure morning air. He has his sketch-book under his arm, and attracted now and then by some object that catches his artist's eye, stops to draw: a few weeds and pebbles on the river's brink--a crag on the opposite shore--a group of pollard willows in the distance. When he has done, he admires his drawing, shuts his sketch-book, empties the ashes from his pipe, refills from his tobacco-pouch, sings the refrain of a gay drinking-song, calls to his dog, smokes again, and walks on. Suddenly he opens his sketch-book again; this time that which attracts him is a group of figures: but what is it?

It is not a funeral, for there are no mourners.

It is not a funeral, but a corpse lying on a rude bier, covered with an old sail, carried between two bearers.
It is not a funeral, for the bearers are fishermen--fishermen in their everyday garb.

About a hundred yards from him they rest their burden on a bank--one stands at the head of the bier, the other throws himself down at the foot of it.

And thus they form the perfect group; he walks back two or three paces, selects his point of sight, and begins to sketch a hurried outline. He has finished it before they move; he hears their voices, though he cannot hear their words, and wonders what they can be talking of. Presently he walks on and joins them.
"You have a corpse there, my friends?" he says.

"Yes; a corpse washed ashore an hour ago."

"Drowned?"

"Yes, drowned. A young girl, very handsome."

"Suicides are always handsome," says the painter; and then he stands for a little while idly smoking and meditating, looking at the sharp outline of the corpse and the stiff folds of the rough canvas covering.
Life is such a golden holiday for him--young, ambitious, clever--that it seems as though sorrow and death could have no part in his destiny.

At last he says that, as this poor suicide is so handsome, he should like to make a sketch of her.
He gives the fishermen some money, and they offer to remove the sailcloth that covers her features.
No; he will do it himself. He lifts the rough, coarse, wet canvas from her face. What face?

The face that shone on the dreams of his foolish boyhood; the face which once was the light of his uncle's home. His cousin Gertrude--his betrothed!

He sees, as in one glance, while he draws one breath, the rigid features--the marble arms--the hands crossed on the cold bosom; and, on the third finger of the left hand, the ring which had been his mother's--the golden serpent; the ring which, if he were to become blind, he could select from a thousand others by the touch alone.

But he is a genius and a metaphysician--grief, true grief, is not for such as he. His first thought is flight--flight anywhere out of that accursed city--anywhere far from the brink of that hideous river--anywhere away from remorse--anywhere to forget.

* * * * * *

He is miles on the road that leads away from Brunswick before he knows that he has walked a step.
It is only when his dog lies down panting at his feet that he feels how exhausted he is himself, and sits down upon a bank to rest. How the landscape spins round and round before his dazzled eyes, while his morning's sketch of the two fishermen and the canvas-covered bier glares redly at him out of the twilight.
At last, after sitting a long time by the roadside, idly playing with his dog, idly smoking, idly lounging, looking as any idle, light-hearted travelling student might look, yet all the while acting over that morning's scene in his burning brain a hundred times a minute; at last he grows a little more composed, and tries presently to think of himself as he is, apart from his cousin's suicide. Apart from that, he was no worse off than he was yesterday. His genius was not gone; the money he had earned at Florence still lined his pocket-book; he was his own master, free to go whither he would.

And while he sits on the roadside, trying to separate himself from the scene of that morning--trying to put away the image of the corpse covered with the damp canvas sail--trying to think of what he should do next, where he should go, to be farthest away from Brunswick and remorse, the old diligence coming rumbling and jingling along. He remembers it; it goes from Brunswick to Aix-la-Chapelle.

He whistles to the dog, shouts to the postillion to stop, and springs into the coupé.

During the whole evening, through the long night, though he does not once close his eyes, he never speaks a word; but when morning dawns, and the other passengers awake and begin to talk to each other, he joins in the conversation. He tells them that he is an artist, that he is going to Cologne and to Antwerp to copy Rubenses, and the great picture by Quentin Matsys, in the museum. He remembered afterwards that he talked and laughed boisterously, and that when he was talking and laughing loudest, a passenger, older and graver than the rest, opened the window near him, and told him to put his head out. He remembered the fresh air blowing in his face, the singing of the birds in his ears, and the flat fields and roadside reeling before his eyes. He remembered this, and then falling in a lifeless heap on the floor of the diligence.
It is a fever that keeps him for six long weeks on a bed at a hotel in Aix-la-Chapelle.

He gets well, and, accompanied by his dog, starts on foot for Cologne. By this time he is his former self once more. Again the blue smoke from his short meerschaum curls upwards in the morning air--again he sings some old university drinking song--again stops here and there, meditating and sketching.
He is happy, and has forgotten his cousin--and so on to Cologne.

It is by the great cathedral he is standing, with his dog at his side. It is night, the bells have just chimed the hour, and the clocks are striking eleven; the moonlight shines full upon the magnificent pile, over which the artist's eye wanders, absorbed in the beauty of form.

He is not thinking of his drowned cousin, for he has forgotten her and is happy.

Suddenly some one, something from behind him, puts two cold arms round his neck, and clasps its hands on his breast.

And yet there is no one behind him, for on the flags bathed in the broad moonlight there are only two shadows, his own and his dog's. He turns quickly round--there is no one--nothing to be seen in the broad square but himself and his dog; and though he feels, he cannot see the cold arms clasped round his neck.
It is not ghostly, this embrace, for it is palpable to the touch--it cannot be real, for it is invisible.

He tries to throw off the cold caress. He clasps the hands in his own to tear them asunder, and to cast them off his neck. He can feel the long delicate fingers cold and wet beneath his touch, and on the third finger of the left hand he can feel the ring which was his mother's--the golden serpent--the ring which he has always said he would know among a thousand by the touch alone. He knows it now!

His dead cousin's cold arms are round his neck--his dead cousin's wet hands are clasped upon his breast. He asks himself if he is mad. "Up, Leo!" he shouts. "Up, up, boy!" and the Newfoundland leaps to his shoulders--the dog's paws are on the dead hands, and the animal utters a terrific howl, and springs away from his master.

The student stands in the moonlight, the dead arms around his neck, and the dog at a little distance moaning piteously.

Presently a watchman, alarmed by the howling of the dog, comes into the square to see what is wrong.
In a breath the cold arms are gone.

He takes the watchman home to the hotel with him and gives him money; in his gratitude he could have given the man half his little fortune.

Will it ever come to him again, this embrace of the dead?

He tries never to be alone; he makes a hundred acquaintances, and shares the chamber of another student. He starts up if he is left by himself in the public room of the inn where he is staying, and runs into the street. People notice his strange actions, and begin to think that he is mad.

But, in spite of all, he is alone once more; for one night the public room being empty for a moment, when on some idle pretence he strolls into the street, the street is empty too, and for the second time he feels the cold arms round his neck, and for the second time, when he calls his dog, the animal shrinks away from him with a piteous howl.

After this he leaves Cologne, still travelling on foot--of necessity now, for his money is getting low. He joins travelling hawkers, he walks side by side with labourers, he talks to every foot-passenger he falls in with, and tries from morning till night to get company on the road.

At night he sleeps by the fire in the kitchen of the inn at which he stops; but do what he will, he is often alone, and it is now a common thing for him to feel the cold arms around his neck.

Many months have passed since his cousin's death--autumn, winter, early spring. His money is nearly gone, his health is utterly broken, he is the shadow of his former self, and he is getting near to Paris. He will reach that city at the time of the Carnival. To this he looks forward. In Paris, in Carnival time, he need never, surely, be alone, never feel that deadly caress; he may even recover his lost gaiety, his lost health, once more resume his profession, once more earn fame and money by his art.

How hard he tries to get over the distance that divides him from Paris, while day by day he grows weaker, and his step slower and more heavy!

But there is an end at last; the long dreary roads are passed. This is Paris, which he enters for the first time--Paris, of which he has dreamed so much--Paris, whose million voices are to exorcise his phantom.
To him to-night Paris seems one vast chaos of lights, music, and confusion--lights which dance before his eyes and will not be still--music that rings in his ears and deafens him--confusion which makes his head whirl round and round.

But, in spite of all, he finds the opera-house, where there is a masked ball. He has enough money left to buy a ticket of admission, and to hire a domino to throw over his shabby dress. It seems only a moment after his entering the gates of Paris that he is in the very midst of all the wild gaiety of the opera-house ball.

No more darkness, no more loneliness, but a mad crowd, shouting and dancing, and a lovely Débardeuse hanging on his arm.

The boisterous gaiety he feels surely is his old light-heartedness come back. He hears the people round him talking of the outrageous conduct of some drunken student, and it is to him they point when they say this--to him, who has not moistened his lips since yesterday at noon, for even now he will not drink; though his lips are parched, and his throat burning, he cannot drink. His voice is thick and hoarse, and his utterance indistinct; but still this must be his old light-heartedness come back that makes him so wildly gay.

The little Débardeuse is wearied out--her arm rests on his shoulder heavier than lead--the other dancers one by one drop off.

The lights in the chandeliers one by one die out.

The decorations look pale and shadowy in that dim light which is neither night nor day.

A faint glimmer from the dying lamps, a pale streak of cold grey light from the new-born day, creeping in through half-opened shutters.

And by this light the bright-eyed Débardeuse fades sadly. He looks her in the face. How the brightness of her eyes dies out! Again he looks her in the face. How white that face has grown! Again--and now it is the shadow of a face alone that looks in his.

Again--and they are gone--the bright eyes, the face, the shadow of the face. He is alone; alone in that vast saloon.

Alone, and, in the terrible silence, he hears the echoes of his own footsteps in that dismal dance which has no music.

No music but the beating of his breast. The the cold arms are round his neck--they whirl him round, they will not be flung off, or cast away; he can no more escape from their icy grasp than he can escape from death. He looks behind him--there is nothing but himself in the great empty salle; but he can feel--cold, deathlike, but O, how palpable!--the long slender fingers, and the ring which was his mother's.
He tries to shout, but he has no power in his burning throat. The silence of the place is only broken by the echoes of his own footsteps in the dance from which he cannot extricate himself. Who says he has no partner? The cold hands are clasped on his breast, and now he does not shun their caress. No! One more polka, if he drops down dead.

The lights are all out, and, half an hour after, the gendarmes come in with a lantern to see that the house is empty; they are followed by a great dog that they have found seated howling on the steps of the theatre. Near the principal entrance they stumble over--

The body of a student, who has died from want of food, exhaustion, and the breaking of a blood-vessel.


My thoughts:


I loved and adored this story. I read it with the natural sound of crows outside, and with a steaming cup of organic pour over in my hand. I'm snug in my pajamas, and the spooky feel of the cold embrace definitely cared me a bit.

I am so excited to continue with this collection throughout the spooky season. 

Up next, Elizabeth Gaskell's "The Old Nurse's Story".

Happy reading my slow living friends.

Saturday, October 1, 2022

October Beginning Reads: Hot Coffee and Books

I'm not a monthly TBR reader, but I love the feeling of a fresh new month. It's the same feeling I have on Mondays. I love Mondays. 

This month I'm still digitally thumbing through my current reads and picking up here and there, books from my Victorian October list and some others I've acquired recently.

It's been established that I read by mood, and I love luxuriating over a good novel. This means I don't ever aim to rush through or sprint to the end of a good book.

I only want to read novels that feel like a 5 star experiences/books for me. I don't care to have a large completed number of novels at the end of the month or year. 

As the first day of October has dawned, the coffee is fresh and steaming hot. I am sitting with my kindles at my kitchen table, just going through all my wonderful covers.

I don't enjoy having more than 3-4 books going. The exception to that is having multiple short story collections running concurrently. Dipping in and out of those collections, helps me to center myself and to give me a palate cleanser between heavy novels or heavy chapters of other novels. 

Here's what I'm excited about as I start October

will update weekly








I'm so happy to see the temperatures cool, the relentless beaming sun hide behind the clouds a bit, and gothic novels being featured all across the internet. 

I'm off to enjoy a sprouted bagel and blueberries while scanning my current reads.

Happy reading my slow living friends. 

2024 Reading Intentions

I love a good goal. :) However, setting intentions is so much better. It's an energetic exchange. A crafting of a lifestyle... As a qui...